Saturday, January 09, 2010

Homesick-or "Ode to California"

Well its been almost two years since we moved to Vermont and I'm still homesick for California.

I don't know what it is, maybe the cold, maybe the different culture, maybe the fact that when we moved here my oldest son decided to move in with his dad. I don't know. What I do know is that no matter how poor the air quality, crime, gangs, etc, it was my home. And I miss it. I grew up in Oklahoma and that will always be where my roots are. But I don't know know or when but CA worked its way into my heart (and my friends there) and it will not leave.

This is a conundrum...what a word right? Not one that I usually use. But I'm feeling especially melancholy tonight. Maybe it's the weather, maybe not.

But I want to go "home". And home for me is southern California. And it always will be. The children we raised there feel the same way. My oldest son thinks about it all the time, my middle son talks to me about it as does my youngest, my daughter, we try not to talk about it around "Dad", this is where he grew up. This is where he thinks we belong, and he's a good man and we want to make him happy.

I know this blog will make some people angry. I'm sorry if it does, but this is something I have to get out.

These cold New England winter's. The different culture, even the food. It's not "right", not for me. I told my husband I'd give it a year, we're going on two and my heart still hurts. Hurts for my friends that made me laugh until I pee'd my pants, my friends that "got" my humor, hurt for the fact that I didn't even own a pair of open toe shoes (until I came here), and wore mostly skirts and sandals year round (not even a possibility here) - where it takes 30 minutes to bundle up myself and the kids for our 5 minute drive to school and work.

I hurt for the memory of locking up the elementary school I worked at in a migrant community (I miss my job there too) on a Friday night with the sound of Mexican music playing as families gathered in their neighborhood to start off the weekend, the smell of homemade tamales, the sounds of laughter, the cries of "bye maestra! have a nice weekend mija!

I miss the sunshine, beach sand, drinking wine on Zuma beach, then sledding in the Tehachapi Mountains a couple of weeks later, 4 wheeling in the desert with my Xterra (that was destroyed by a Moose shortly after moving here), the next weekend finding hidden oasis's, strolling down Hollywood Blvd or going to the flea market on Melrose on Sunday's. Watching the tourists gape at Ventura, Malibu, Hollywood Blvd...trying not to look like tourists and failing.

I miss the people, the crazy/wonderful people - the laid back culture. Everything. When we first moved here the busdriver who picked up our children said she knew we were from California because we were so friendly and always smiling. But life is hard here - and we don't do that as much anymore. I know why.

It is work to live here, to live here in the winter-5 miles from the Canadian Border where the wind from the North Pole blows down an arctic chill from October until late May.

All of it. When we moved to California, my oldest was 6 and my middle son 2. My daughter was born there, one of the few actual California residents actually born there-when she lived there that is.

We made our home there for almost 10 years, raised our children there. Loved, lived, laughed, cried, grieved, sweated, worked, and went on with our lives for almost 10 years. I never thought I would leave.

I feel like a piece of myself is still back there-waiting for the rest of me to catch up, to come home, to come to my senses and go back to where I belong. I cry sometimes with happiness at the memories, sometimes with sadness at the memories, but always with longing.

That horrible longing that actually hurts inside of my chest; like an emptiness waiting to be filled. And there is nothing here for me in beautiful Vermont that will fill it. The people here are great, the area is beautiful. My job is okay. But my soul is not at home here. As cliche as it may sound, it just isn't. And I know with a sense like knowing your own children- thoughts that I will always feel this way-no matter what transpires in the future.

So what will I do? This is where my husband (and my best friend for the past 14 years) wants to make our home, to finish raising our children, there are choices to be made.

There are always choices. Sometimes I think that maybe I should have made a different one when the talk started about leaving our home and moving here. Other times I am glad I made the choice I did. It is still there...my free will. The question is, what will I do about it.

Probably stay here, hold my memories close, try to hold my long distant friends closer and go on.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi there,
I think you expressed yourself beautifully in your post. I am so sorry you are hurting and missing california and your old home so much. I know how it feels to yearn for a place and to feel like you will never feel at home unless you are there. VT can be a very hard place- it has long bitter winters, short summers, and the people in the NEK are a people and culture all their own.. they are proud, strong, independent, and fiercly loyal.. but they can be very hard on those that are "outsiders" (flat-landers) and that can make it even harder on those who are trying to adapt and adjust... I wish you luck and hope that you are able to somehow fill some of that emptiness you are feeling inside..take care

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