THE MOM NEXT DOOR

Homesick-or "Ode to California"

2010-01-09T19:07:00.003-05:00

Well its been almost two years since we moved to Vermont and I'm still homesick for California.

I don't know what it is, maybe the cold, maybe the different culture, maybe the fact that when we moved here my oldest son decided to move in with his dad. I don't know. What I do know is that no matter how poor the air quality, crime, gangs, etc, it was my home. And I miss it. I grew up in Oklahoma and that will always be where my roots are. But I don't know know or when but CA worked its way into my heart (and my friends there) and it will not leave.

This is a conundrum...what a word right? Not one that I usually use. But I'm feeling especially melancholy tonight. Maybe it's the weather, maybe not.

But I want to go "home". And home for me is southern California. And it always will be. The children we raised there feel the same way. My oldest son thinks about it all the time, my middle son talks to me about it as does my youngest, my daughter, we try not to talk about it around "Dad", this is where he grew up. This is where he thinks we belong, and he's a good man and we want to make him happy.

I know this blog will make some people angry. I'm sorry if it does, but this is something I have to get out.

These cold New England winter's. The different culture, even the food. It's not "right", not for me. I told my husband I'd give it a year, we're going on two and my heart still hurts. Hurts for my friends that made me laugh until I pee'd my pants, my friends that "got" my humor, hurt for the fact that I didn't even own a pair of open toe shoes (until I came here), and wore mostly skirts and sandals year round (not even a possibility here) - where it takes 30 minutes to bundle up myself and the kids for our 5 minute drive to school and work.

I hurt for the memory of locking up the elementary school I worked at in a migrant community (I miss my job there too) on a Friday night with the sound of Mexican music playing as families gathered in their neighborhood to start off the weekend, the smell of homemade tamales, the sounds of laughter, the cries of "bye maestra! have a nice weekend mija!

I miss the sunshine, beach sand, drinking wine on Zuma beach, then sledding in the Tehachapi Mountains a couple of weeks later, 4 wheeling in the desert with my Xterra (that was destroyed by a Moose shortly after moving here), the next weekend finding hidden oasis's, strolling down Hollywood Blvd or going to the flea market on Melrose on Sunday's. Watching the tourists gape at Ventura, Malibu, Hollywood Blvd...trying not to look like tourists and failing.

I miss the people, the crazy/wonderful people - the laid back culture. Everything. When we first moved here the busdriver who picked up our children said she knew we were from California because we were so friendly and always smiling. But life is hard here - and we don't do that as much anymore. I know why.

It is work to live here, to live here in the winter-5 miles from the Canadian Border where the wind from the North Pole blows down an arctic chill from October until late May.

All of it. When we moved to California, my oldest was 6 and my middle son 2. My daughter was born there, one of the few actual California residents actually born there-when she lived there that is.

We made our home there for almost 10 years, raised our children there. Loved, lived, laughed, cried, grieved, sweated, worked, and went on with our lives for almost 10 years. I never thought I would leave.

I feel like a piece of myself is still back there-waiting for the rest of me to catch up, to come home, to come to my senses and go back to where I belong. I cry sometimes with happiness at the memories, sometimes with sadness at the memories, but always with longing.

That horrible longing that actually hurts inside of my chest; like an emptiness waiting to be filled. And there is nothing here for me in beautiful Vermont that will fill it. The people here are great, the area is beautiful. My job is okay. But my soul is not at home here. As cliche as it may sound, it just isn't. And I know with a sense like knowing your own children- thoughts that I will always feel this way-no matter what transpires in the future.

So what will I do? This is where my husband (and my best friend for the past 14 years) wants to make our home, to finish raising our children, there are choices to be made.

There are always choices. Sometimes I think that maybe I should have made a different one when the talk started about leaving our home and moving here. Other times I am glad I made the choice I did. It is still there...my free will. The question is, what will I do about it.

Probably stay here, hold my memories close, try to hold my long distant friends closer and go on.

I am not a disease

2009-03-19T05:45:00.002-04:00

All - Many of you know that for about the past 5-6 years I have increasingly become more tired, "foggy", and my body has increasingly caused me pain. In late September to early October after being tested for Lupus and many other auto-immunie diseases I was finally diangosed with Fybromalgia.

This was a relief (to finally) know, and at the same time even more depressing because I thought I would have to try to manage this chronic pain, depression, and increasing brain fog (at times so bad I can barely string together a sentence) for the rest of my life.

Then there came a time about 3 weeks ago when I decided that I did not want to go on living in chronic pain. Also, many people do not understand about Fybromalgia or (FM) and I was tired of people being scornful when I was REALLY IN PAIN, FATIGUED, AND CONFUSED. Yes, I was definitely feeling sorry for myself and in a very bad place. It started with feeling like I didn't want to wake up. I started just praying that I would not wake up. Then after I had stayed in bed for 4 days after a really bad "episode" I started making plans. Even now its hard for me to say it. But I work with people in crisis and I knew that if my mind was "making plans for my demise" that I was in trouble.

I called a friend from work and she got me help, fast. I was admitted into the hospital under a suicide watch, I was given medicine, rest, food, and water and for the first time in a long time I got a good nights sleep.

The next day I couldn't believe what I had been thinking about doing the day before, but this just goes to show you that the lack of sleep, combined with chronic pain and fatigue (along with feeling like you've lost 50 IQ points) can put you over the edge. That's when I decided that I was going to do everything I could possibly do to research and fight this disease.

I have been to the pain clinic at Dartmouth and have established some pain management. I still deal with fatigue and brain fog but I have also found a group on facebook that is helping me (there is a link above). I figured that there are support groups for many diseases and problems so there must be one for FM. There is and I've joined it. I don't want to be a victim and I don't want to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I want to fight this auto-immune disease that has tried to take over my body and mind and I want to advocate for myself and others who have the disease.

I'm not going to give up without a fight. I have 4 beautiful children, a husband who loves me, a good career, and friends that love me too. I have also found Maja (a FM advocate in Sweden) and even one of the parents of one of my students who suffers from this disease.

For many years I wondered what was wrong with me. I wondered if I was going crazy. When the pain and fatigue became unbearable I DID think I was crazy. But I'm not, and if you're reading this and have suffered from the same symptoms your not either. Don't let the doctors just tell you that you are just depressed. Yes, you may be depressed but a lot of it is probably because you are suffering from a disease that causes almost constant chronic pain, fatigue, and confusion and you may feel like its not worth going on. But it IS!

Do not give up hope. Periodically I will be posting here about FM and things that have helped me. In the meantime go to the website listed above and also set up an account on Facebook and search for "Maja" or "Fybro". There ARE other people out here that are suffering. People all over the world. Let's get the word out and let's find ways to help each other. Remember...Pain is Universal....So is HOPE!

A Grand Old Lady

2008-10-19T16:00:00.009-04:00

I'm sitting on the wrap around porch of a "grand old lady". At least-that's what I call it. It's a house, but not just a house. This house has sat on this hill for at least 100 years (from what I could gather from my research). It overlooks Lake Memphremagog, and downtown Newport.

From where I am sitting on the porch I can see the south bay of Memphremagog through the fall leaves. It looks like something you would find on a postcard. Almost too beautiful to be real. The leaves are umber, orange, pink, green, gold, every hue you can think of. Intermixed within these are the evergreens. Through the tree's that are rapidly losing their leaves I can see the spires of downtown Newport. I can also see the beautiful "castle" church as my daughter calls it. It is actually called St. Mary's Star of the Sea and it is the only such church to be so far inland. It is beautiful.

From one of my daughter's window's on the second floor of this house you can see the church. I am sitting here on this porch that is bigger than some houses I have lived in, for probably one of the last times. We moved in here in August. It is a giant old house, and I believe there are spirits here. But that's for another blog. This one is dedicated to the house. The house sitting on the hill surrounded by hardwoods and softwoods, blackberry bushes (that we picked and ate all through August) and made our own jam and ice-cream topping from.

In a spirit of hope I planted bulbs for next spring, seeds for old fashioned flowers that I hoped would bloom around this beautiful Victorian home when the leaves are green again. My husband and children uncovered stone steps leading down to a flat place in our yard, there - they built a fire pit and we sat around the bonfire this summer while we roasted marshmallow's, told stories, laughed, and my husband taught the kids how to make "dough boy's" (biscuits molded around a thick stick roasted over the fire then filled with jelly).

I always wanted to live in a house like this. A giant house to me compared to what I have lived in with hardwood floors older than my grandfather, a beautiful banister, stairs, and elaborate spindle posts. A landing at the top of the stairs. There are 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, old light fixtures (some nautical porch lights with anchors that are like nothing I've ever seen) and sinks that can only be found in antique store's now. You can lose people in this house as I have found while I walked upstairs/downstairs and all around the porch and basement yelling the names of my husband, children, and dog.

The basement is huge and creepy (as you would expect~and it just wouldn't be the same if it wasn't as far as I'm concerned) there is an old root cellar that I assume was used to "put up" the summer's harvest as my grandmother did when I was a girl. It is built out of old lumber timber and I wonder if the timber came from when Newport was a bustling train stop. This house has character, beautiful large window's filled with light, and spirit to spare.

Unfortunately, it also has lead paint, a heating bill that probably wouldn't allow us to buy groceries in the winter in the current economic climate, and more renovation needed than we could ever financially afford. We leased it with the dream of someday buying it. Even though we knew the landlord's wife wanted to make it her retirement home. Now my husband (and I) although I loathe to admit it have found a more "sensible" home, and with the help of family hopefully we will be able to purchase it someday. We will be moving within a few weeks-back to suburbia to a house made in the late 80's, with a dishwasher and baseboard heat (our daughter has asthma and this old furnace with its many ducts of -who-knows-what-stuffed into the pipes is not good for her breathing (what did kids do back before nebulizers, asthma inhaler's?)...I wonder.

The neighborhood we are moving to is only about a mile away, but it may as well be a galaxy away from this hill, where other "grand old ladies" (as I love to call them sit). These huge houses that have been witness to generations of families, births, deaths, family stories played out among the years...silently watching from their places on the hill as the culture changed, the people changed, the town changed. In my research I noted that this house had once been in one family for 3 generations. To me this inspires the imagination. Three generations of the same family - living their lives out in the same home, this beautiful home where the paint is flaking (lead paint at that-probably falling on my head with the autumn leaves as I type-;), but the solid columns and beams supporting the porch that could house an entire living room set are still standing solid, though their paint may be flaking off, the porch boards may be rotting, and the wiring may need to be re-done. This house is still standing after over 100 years and that is more than can be said for newer structures built after this one.

I complained when I first moved in. I could smell mold, paint was flaking off everywhere, how could we afford to heat it? No dishwasher!? My husband laughed and said it had an "antique" dishwasher...I actually believed him.

But now...after 3 months~I have come to love this home, and much to my husbands chagrin, the kids and I are loathe to leave it. I wash dishes and I have watched the seasons change from the window from where I wash and dry. My grandmother always loved to watch out of the window while she washed and dried dishes, and only now, that I am older, more introspective-more patient-do I understand. I have watched my children play, my husband mow the yard, the leaves and bushes slowly change, the birds nest and fly, and our cat sleeping on a tree branch. You would never expect all of this drama to unfold in a backyard~and I never would have taken the time to watch~ had I not had to hand wash the dishes.

I guess there is something to be said for slowing down.

I have moved now, the the other side of the porch. The side that faces Mt. Vernon street. - and another beautiful old home that I believe may be older than this one. And it has been vacant since we moved here. A beautiful home -the bank owns it now. My children are playing in its yard, I don't think the bank nor the home will mind. In fact it probably enjoys children playing in it, the sounds of laughter long gone from its halls. Can you tell I'm a nostalgic? :)

After we have moved I will miss this house-although as my husband said when I can be safely heated in the harsh winter here - 5 miles from the Canadian border and our daughter is breathing better, and I am able to back my truck out of a garage with a garage door opener~these are things I will probably appreciate.

Next Spring when our children are able to ride their bikes and play basketball and find other neighborhood children to play with it will seem worth it. I know he is right, but a part of me will always miss this house. When I pass it on my way to work I will feel a tug at my heart. I hope whomever lives here next, or owns it will love it as much as I do. I just hope they will have the resources to restore her to her former glory without violating her past. I also hope they appreciate the flower's I planted for them and tend to them, as I did the ferns, perennials, and raspberry bushes that were left here for our enjoyment.

Peace for now.
b

ITS a MysTerY

2008-10-12T22:41:00.003-04:00

Hi everyone-sorry its been so long since I posted and I swear to the gods of jelly (grape jelly) that I will throw up some more pics and stories-soon...speaking of throwing up. This is what I have been doing most of the day. If you live in or around the Derby/Newport VT area, I'm PRETTY sure I may have had some bad soup at the China Moon (the hot and sour soup tasted kinda funny) and since I ate it I have been pretty sick...may want to lay off the soups there for a few days.

Anyway, quick update on Vermont:

cool people (some)

cold weather (most of the time)

miss my friends and family in California and Oklahoma (all the time)

Have a new truck (actually a 96 tahoe) now because my 05 Nissan Xterra was totalled in a battle with Bullwinkle the 800lb moose. The moose lost, but so did my truck I guess. At least we walked away. So I'm grateful for that.

trying to adjust...all of the time.

I know I've only been here since August but what a culture shock. Is it because I haven't moved anywhere in 10 years? Before that I was used to moving every 3 years to a different part of the country. I guess after living in southern California for 10 years, then coming here...well...its different. I will be putting up some posts soon. I think I've collected more stories here in the short time I've been here than anywhere I've ever been in my life...which I guess DOES say Something about the place.

P.S. I started canning...I know - can you believe it? Me? the ANTI-BECKY-HOMECKY-CANNING? trust me, I'm still in shock. And I actually enjoy it. Next stop...knitting....guess i'm getting old.crap.
oh well
ttyl
hope all is well with everyone.
peace

Just an Update

2008-08-17T14:27:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone,
We arrived in Vermont. It rains a lot, but its beautiful - lot's of green, I guess (hence all of the rain) but lot's of mold too and will be lot's of SNOW this winter - ugh. Everyone who knows me also knows I really don't like snow. I was stationed in Washington state for 3 years, then South Dakota for 4 years. I can do without snow and the hard winter's.

Other than that-miss California, my job, my friends, and my life. BUT - I'm trying to remain positive, I'll be posting some pictures soon and a post about my adventure getting stuck in the mud IN MY 4 WHEEL DRIVE (OF COURSE WITH CALIFORNIA PLATES) ON THE WAY TO BURLINGTON. This was quite an experience. Yeah.

More later....

More Pics

2008-03-17T01:28:00.001-04:00

Just some more pics from our goodbye bbq w/our best friends in Cali...we'll miss you...so much...

Goodbye Mi Amiga

2008-03-17T01:20:00.000-04:00

Today I said one of my hardest goodbye’s. Ver...I think you know your my soul sister. I lived in Tehachapi for 5 years before you moved in next door. You saved my life, more than once. As I get older I realize how precious and few and far between TRUE friends are. Your at the top of my list Ver...the sister I never had. When I found out we were moving I put off calling you for 2 weeks. Every time I tried I started to cry. I will miss you. I will miss our talks and how we understand each other. I will miss your kids. I already do. I hope you know...your my compadre, forever and always. At 2AM on Christmas Day or anytime at all, if you need to...call me, show up on my doorstep. You will always be welcome. I am so thankful for that day when you came into my life, and to day when we said goodbye it was probably the hardest goodbye I will make in California...that’s why I put it off. I know we promised to stay in touch, but we both know...as we get older...how fragile that thread is. Kids, husbands, jobs, LIFE...gets in the way....but don’t forget me. You will always be in my heart. And I will always make a place for you in my life or time if you need it. Your the sista I never had. I’ll miss you girl...remember...live in the moment, stay true to yourself and keep it real. Goodbye mi Amiga...take care of yourself.

A Year After

2007-10-12T23:53:00.000-04:00

It's been over a year now since Grandma died and almost a year since my birth-mother died. I don't know what to tell people when they ask me about grief. I'm not going to lie and say it gets "better" or "easier" or whatever...because that's bullshit...and what does it really mean? You never stop missing the person you love, you miss them every day and some days you miss them every hour. I'm not going to lie about that. But you do go on with your life. Its amazing how life goes on, how the world moves on. Your children keep growing, you keep doing your chores, paying your bills, going to work...but sometimes, something so simple will set you back. The other night in one of my classes we were discussing genetics and eye color. We were supposed to "map" our genetic history of "eye color" from both sides of our parents. I could not remember what color my mother's eyes were. I could not remember the color. These were the first eyes I ever looked at when I was an infant. Hers was the first voice I heard when I was in her womb. How many times had I looked into her eyes. How many times had we laughed and cried together. Why couldn't I remember?

When you have these "setbacks" they are harsh. A lot of things come flooding back ~ some people say that we only remember the good about the dead loved ones we've lost. That's not true for me. I remember the good, the bad, and the regrets. The regrets are the hardest. This is the only chance we get with the people we love. Trust me on this one. Anyway, I called my Dad and he told me. Green. Just like mine. In fact he says I look a lot like her in a lot of ways. I know this because sometimes when I look in the mirror I am taken aback. I see my Mother. I wonder if she can see me. If she knows my feelings or thoughts. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I knew her eye color. Why I couldn't bring the information out, well ~ I don't know. Its another mystery of grief. I've come to think of grief as something we eventually learn to live with. It becomes a part of us. A part of who we are. I can finally talk about my grandmother and mother without crying now (most of the time). I have enjoyed simple pleasures again. I have laughed with my children, my friends. I have enjoyed watching a sunrise, weeding my flower garden, and going on night time jogs with my dog Abby. I know that I cannot live in my grief. But it lives inside of me. I read a book recently where a character mentioned...."that is what life is about...sometimes...missing the dead". And I had to put the book down because it was a revelation. Its true. But I don't think we realize this until we lose someone we really love and go through the trauma, then finally the acceptance. Like the old saying goes...I may accept it, but I don't have to like it.

Someone who had lost someone close to them asked me the other day how I had gotten through it. I didn't know what to say at first, so I didn't say anything. I know I didn't want to hear empty platitudes when I was grieving. But I did think about it. During the past year, I have done ALOT of thinking...and here's the god's honest truth. Here's a list...a "top 16" if you will of what has helped me to go on and not lose it completely:

1)My husband and children.
2)My family that is still here on this earth.
3)The good memories...and yes, even the bad.
4)good books
5)good food
6)good wine
7)I discovered "mojito's" and i like those too:)
8)I've learned to let A LOT of things go...life is too short for the bullshit...it just is
9)learning to laugh at myself ~ and laughing with my friends.
10)giving myself "permission" to grieve in the way I NEEDED and not listening to what other people TOLD me I should be doing.
11)Jogging at night or in the early morning with my dog Abby
12)My work, and my friends and students at work, who make me laugh every day I'm there and make me thankful for so much.
13)Dane Cook's comedy
14)Music
15)journaling - and i've had some really crazy journals....but that's okay
16)the ocean

That's it, and there's not an "order"...on any given day one may be better for me than the other. But I've definitely learned to live more in the moment, and do the things that I've been wanting to do instead of listening to other people so much or caring about what other people think. I am who I am....and if they can't take a joke...fuk em :).....I can almost hear my mom laughing and my grandma laughing and saying....."Brandie Lea"......"I swear"....in that Oklahoma twang.

I still haven't forgotten their voices, their faces (except for the brief relapse with the eye color thing) and they will always be a part of me. Their lives...and now their deaths. I do try to live my life in a way that would honor them, and I hope I am. But I'm also my own person. And that's okay. Yes, its a cliche, but life does go on. I guess its how we go on about it that shapes us. I'll be 35 in November. I know my life is probably half over. But I'm going to enjoy it while I'm here, and I hope everyone else does too - no matter what tragedies they face. Live your life like there's no tomorrow is also another cliche...but its true.
That's all for now everyone.
Take care of each other.
"the mom next door"

Anyway, I added the pic of Kat and Amy playing on the beach this past summer because it means a lot to me. It represents a lot. They are just beginning their lives, sitting in the ocean foam on a summer day. I hope they remember those days, those moments. Its what life is all about.

More Pics and Backstory's

2007-02-18T20:14:00.000-05:00

Top: This is Grandpa Duane & Grandma Kathy On November 2, 1947 - their wedding day.
This is Grandma Kathy (still not a grandma yet-:)) making Christmas Dinner at Granny Beulah's house (her mom). I believe this was 1968
This picture was taken in 1972; from left Grandma, Granny Beulah, Great-Grandma Julia (Grandpa Duane's mom-she's still alive!) and Great Grandpa Willis (Grandpa's Dad). I didn't get to meet either of my great-grandfather's they both died shortly before I was born in 1972. Grandma Kathy died Sep 15, 2006, Granny died in 2004, and Great Grandma Julia is still alive.
These are pictures of Grandpa Duane and Grandma Kathy with Haden in 1993-much happier times.

This is me, Tristan,&Kat in 2002 at Grandpa & Grandma's House in Arkansas. Again, happier times.

Some pics of my grandma's life & my mom,family,etc.

2007-02-18T19:59:00.000-05:00

Top left is me and my mom; circa 1974 or 75? Top Right is one of the happiest times in my life so far. From left is Tristan (in backpack), Jim, Haden, Me, and Grandma in front of the glass church in Bella Vista. It's a beautiful place. When I was a little girl I wanted to be married in that church. This picture was taken shortly after I was re-assigned to a special-duty assignment in Oklahoma City (with the Air Force) and I was close to family for the first time since I had left home to join the Air Force - 7 years previously. I was stationed there for two years and was able to spend a lot of time with Grandma and everyone else, and I'll always be grateful for those years (1997-1999). In this picture Haden is about 4 years old and Tristan is almost a year old. Jim and I were 29 and 25 respectively. Grandma would have been about 70. She was very healthy and active until she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2002. Against her better judgement she allowed them to perform a masectomy and remove 11 lymph nodes. After that her health gradually deteriorated. The lump that was diagnosed as "cancerous" had been on her breast for several years. To this day I wonder if it should have been left alone. I guess there is no use in wondering about the past. It is something we can never change.

Top Left is Grandma (on Right) and friend at left. I'm not sure who the friend is but she (eerily) looks like one of my friends (heidi). Anyway, I think Grandma (not a grandma at this point) was about 17 in this picture. On the top right is a picture taken when she was about 15. Bottom right is a picture taken with her namesake, our daughter Katherine, named after Grandma. I think this picture was taken on a visit in 2002.

Dealing with Grief

2007-02-08T19:57:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone in blog-land, I know its been a long time since I posted. But a LOT of things have changed in the past year. On September 15, 2006 the mother of my heart (my Grandmother Katherine i.e., Kathy) passed away. She really was my mother, in fact if not for her I probably wouldn't exist or even be alive right now. She was only in her 40's when I was born and I lived off and on with my grandparents through some very tumultuous years.

I was able to be with her at the end and I am grateful for that. But it was also the most horrible experience in my life. She had a brain aneurysm and it took her two days to die from it. She was 77 years old and just shy of her 59th wedding anniversary with my Grandfather (whom she met on a blind date).

I flew down to Arkansas and was by her bedside over night. To see her in that bed, to see the person I loved most in the world (along with my children and my husband) slowly dying while I sat by helplessly was more than I could bear. But I did bear it. To watch my Grandfather break down periodically, to listen to her labored breathing while her body filled up with fluids. I know what a "death rattle" is now. Pray that you never hear it from someone you love. I mean it..there are not any words that can describe the feelings it invokes in you...there just isn't any.

Then in the last hours she would stop breathing, and then start again. The nurses told me this was also common, but it was agonizing. I wanted to tear my hair out, to scream at them to DO SOMETHING! PLEASE! DO SOMETHING TO HELP HER! SHE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS! She is the Glue of our family! Help her! She is the BEST person I've ever known, everything that is good in me is from her! Help her please! JUST FUCCING HELP HER!

But I did not do this; to do this would have been to dishonor her. Instead I read her favorite psalms, the ones she had taught me. I talked to her. I don't know if she heard or understood me. I like to think that she did. I thanked her for everything she had done for me; I told her how much I loved her. I talked about old times. I talked about the kids and told her funny stories about them and about my work. I brushed her hair. I told her it was okay to "pass on" (the nurses kept encouraging us to do this). But then I would break down and lay across her, trying to absorb as much of her as I could. Trying to hold her forever, just hold her.

I would have given anything...at that point in time I would have even given my own life. Even now, now that it’s February 8th and it has been 5 months since the woman who was in all respects my mother was reduced to ashes, I still have a hard time writing this. This is the first time I have written about it, and it will probably be the last time. That is how painful this is-even now.

What else can I say? In the end the nurses encouraged me to go to my rental car (where my suitcase still was since I came straight from the airport) and get my brush and some hair ties and "fix" her hair. My Grandfather and Uncle had gone back to the house to shower and change clothes before returning. I remember thinking "Yes, I should braid her hair."

She had the most beautiful long black hair, all of her life.

I guess they were actually trying to get me out of the room, as it turns out the minute I walked out she gave her last breath and passed on. The nurses said that they had encouraged me to leave the room because as they have noticed on the floor they work on

(The floor where people go to die-how special does a person have to be to work on this floor? I could not bear it…anyway…)

The nurses indicated that often people will not "let go" until the ones they love are out of the room...almost as if we are holding them on earth with our grief and fear. In this case they said it was almost eerie. It was as if she was waiting for me to leave. One nurse said "She must have Loved you very much". She will never know how much those words will always mean to me - even until my last breath.

When I came back I knew immediately she was gone. How to describe the next few hours or days? I'm not even sure if I can. I lay across her and cried, I fixed her hair, I sang to her (songs she used to sing when I was a child). But I could feel it; I could feel that whatever had made up my Grandma Kathy was gone.

My Grandfather came back and I had to tell him and my Uncle that she had passed while they were gone. The emotional pain was unbelievable, unbearable. My Grandpa was left alone with her and even with the heavy hospital door closed you could hear him sobbing and talking and singing to her. I saw some of the nurses and even a doctor start to cry. At this point I'm pretty sure I was in shock and would remain this way for several days. Maybe this is our mind's way of "protecting" us from total breakdown. I don't know.

I helped my Grandpa put together a "memorial board" of her life for the Memorial Service. Pictures of her life and her family, the family that meant everything to her. She was so beautiful she could have easily been a model (seriously) but a career never crossed her mind. She wanted to be a mother, a wife. And she was definitely made for the job.

The first night after her death I knew her body was at the funeral home and I had this crazy vision of myself going there and breaking in to be by her side. So she would not be by herself in the cold and in the dark.

And I cried, I cried more than I thought a human could possibly cry. I'm talking about the laying on the floor in a fetal position groaning crying. The kind of crying that feels like you can actually die from it. I was angry, I was scared, most of all I felt different. Like I would never be the same. I realize now that this is true. The death of someone you love with your whole heart changes you in fundamental ways. I only realize this now.

It gets worse...

Our family had planned on visiting Grandma & Grandpa at Christmas. We decided to go anyway
to help my Grandpa through the first Christmas without Grandma. We were driving down and leaving on December 22 to drive from California to Arkansas. We were also going to stop in Oklahoma to visit family there.

On December 20th my Dad called and told me that my birth-mother had collapsed and died suddenly from an aortic aneurysm with complications of high blood pressure and undiagnosed diabetes. I didn't even get to say goodbye, nothing. That was it.

At this point I can't even describe how I felt. I felt like I was in a nightmare and couldn't wake up. I had so many unresolved issues with my birth mother, but I know she loved me. She was just so young when I was born and I know this made her life more difficult. But she had done many things for me over the years and I know she really loved me, I hope she knew how much I also loved her...despite our unresolved issue's. I just always thought there would be time. I thought I had more time. I am 34. She was 50 years old. She was also cremated. I will never see nor talk to either her or my grandmother again. Sometimes the finality of this is overwhelming...even now. It washes over me and I feel sick and disoriented. Like I have lost my foundation and I'm drifting.

When people talk about their family sometimes I become angry or think thoughts like "I will never do that again...I will never talk to my Grandmother on the phone, I'll never have lunch with my Mom, and I’ll never go shopping with my Mom or my Grandmother, never ever again. Death is Final. And it’s coming for us all.

I guess my point is that we REALLY don't know how much time we have. We just don't. Cherish your loved ones, I don't give a dam if it sounds corny or hokey, Cherish them. Appreciate them. Call up a Mom or Dad or Grandparent or Sibling that you've been arguing with or haven't talked to in a while. Because you may never get another chance. We take too much for granted.

Bottom Line: I'm a different person now. You can not go through what I have in the past 5 months and not change. I feel like a part of me is "gone". I listen more. I hug my husband and kids more and tell them how much I love them all the time.

I still cry a lot, sometimes it just hits me. It’s a pain that doesn’t go away or “fade over time” as some people like to say. It stays with you. It’s a pain that you learn to live with. I know it is true now…more than ever. What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. And in a strange way, even though I feel more vulnerable right now, I know I am stronger.

I raised my Life Insurance. I'm in the process of writing letter's "just in case" for my children, husband, and remaining family and friends-in case something should happen. There are things I want them to know. Things I want them to be able to hold on to if I'm suddenly gone.
I'm not taking ANYTHING for granted.

And finally, I wanted to share some quotes about grief. The one I found to be the most accurate was actually a surprise to me. I have been reading many books about grief, but on the side I am reading an auto-biography with my oldest son about Johnny Cash. It was in this book "Cash" that I found the most accurate quote that I could relate to about grieving for someone you love and how it changes you, in this excerpt he is talking about losing his 14 year old brother Jack:

"Losing Jack was terrible. It was awful at the time, and it’s still a big, cold, sad place in my heart and soul. There's no way around grief and loss: you can dodge all you want, but sooner or later you just have to go into it, through it, and, hopefully, come out the other side. The world you find there will never be the same as the world you left" (Johnny Cash with Patrick Carr).

I'd like to add to that. The person you are will never be the same as the person you were either. So these are some of the reasons I have been absent, I have been (and I am still) trying to figure out who I am now and maybe this is a life-long journey. I miss my Mom. I miss my Grandma. I have many regrets. I have many good memories too. I guess this is life. There is tragedy, sorrow, and pain. But there is also happiness, love, and hope. I am still a Mother, I am still a Wife. I know my husband and children love me. I hold on to this. I hold on to hope. I hold on to my faith and hope someday in some way I will be reunited with my loved ones. Maybe “heaven” as a kingdom is a “fairy tale” as many “”educated” people like to say, but it is one that I desperately want to believe in.
Peace to everybody.
The Mom Next Door

DE-MOTIVATORS

2006-02-04T17:47:00.000-05:00

Okay, you know those ANNOYING motivational posters...these are an answer to those...some of my faves;)

Indifference

2006-01-21T20:46:00.000-05:00

Indifference
Originally uploaded by Joe Taruga.

HILLSIDE BY OUR HOUSE

2006-01-21T18:04:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you just want to relax and think about nothing at all....

Happy New Year From The House of Crazy aka "The Funny Farm"

2006-01-01T03:37:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone - sorry for the long absence from blogland again, however I've been back to work full time so things have gotten crazy busy again. I just wanted to drop a few lines and wish everyone a happy 2006. We stayed home this year and ended up counting down the new year about 27 times because our 3 year old daughter thought it was hilarious. YES - I LET MY THREE YEAR OLD stay up and count down the new year...aren't I a TERRIBLE mommy?! LOL! Don't worry...I cut her off after 2 glasses of champagne...you know how toddlers get when they drink...but that's for another blog.

Anyway, as I was filling out Haden's birthday card (Haden is my first-born who happens to have the COOLEST birthday date of January 1st) I was getting pretty introspective because he turned 13 today. I was looking for a fitting quote for his card and I came across this one by Mark Twain:

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. "

And while I had SOME reservations about putting a quote in my 13 yr old son's card that pretty much told him to do whatever he wanted...I decided that this was very fitting. I'm 33 now and when I look back over the last 20 years I will testify that this is definitely THE gospel truth. So....as we enter the new year, remember this - we live our lives by moments-make every moment count.

Best Wishes for 2006.

Bran

Goodbye to a Great Lady

2005-10-25T00:33:00.000-04:00

I logged on to the internet tonight to check my email, complete some school work, etc. And the first headline that greeted me was

"Civil Rights Pioneer Rosa Parks Dies at 92"

I felt like I was going to cry.

I have always been fascinated by Rosa Parks. I have always thought she was truly a wise and courageous lady ever since the first day that I read about her fateful day and her fateful bus ride that aided in changing the course of history.

Probably because I'm not really a "courageous" person. Oh, I talk a good game. But when it comes right down to it, more often than not - I'm afraid to "act" if I'm "put on the spot". Probably because I'm a "white" girl born and raised in the suburbs - who is 33 years old, born after the major work of the civil rights movement (1972) - including rights fought for and obtained for (and by) women.

After all - by the time I was sexually active it was legal for me to take the birth control pill, I was told from day one I could do anything I wanted to do - including go to college, work, AND raise a family (however - see my earlier rantings about this). I was never told I wasn't "good enough" to sit down on the bus, drink from a water fountain, or use a certain bathroom. When I turned 18 I immediately was granted the right to vote. Let's face it - I've led a pretty sheltered life - maybe that's why I'm not that courageous, brave, wise...and I'm not going to even touch the term "lady". Smile.

But not Rosa Parks - not this great lady. She was born and raised in the deep south during the era of the infamous "Jim Crow" laws. She grew up with signs telling her where she could and couldn't go to the bathroom, eat, and use the water fountain. She wasn't even able to finish high school until later in her life. Not because she didn't want to, but because she needed to go to work in order to support her family.

She was told from day one that she was "less" of a person than her "white" peers. She probably lived in fear more often than not because lynchings and the Klu Klux Klan were very active and very real during this period in history - and murdered many people - whether we choose to believe it or not. In the same year she was arrested and taken to jail for refusing to give up her seat for a white man there were two other women arrested for the same reason, so she probably had a good idea she was going to go to jail (if not something worse) when she decided to remain seated.

What was going through her mind?

She had just finished a working a long day. Her feet hurt and I'm sure her spirit and body were tired. What is that special spark in some people? That spark of courage where some people stand out and stand up for what they believe. They refuse to be trod upon any longer and actually DO something about it. They face their fears head on, face the enemy and say "bring it on - I know I'm right - I'm standing my ground - do your worst". What would have happened in history if this scene had played out differently? As I'm sure it had many times before. The black woman who has worked all day on her feet stands up (with her head down-facing the floor) and moves out of the white mans way. He sits in her seat...the bus keeps rolling...

But it didn't...

One woman - made one decision. She faced ahead knowing the possible consequences and said "no". She said no to this WRONG thing, no to this WRONG idea - no to a rule that treated her like nothing more than a dog - like less of a human being because of the color of the pigment in her skin. She refused. She was very polite, but she refused. She accepted the consequences. She had the courage and the grace to face her enemies and history took a different turn. Thank You Rosa. I always admired you, I always will. This white girl from Oklahoma who was born almost 20 years after that day on the bus. Born after you had lived most of your life through trial and tribulation. Rosa ended up moving to Detroit because she couldn't find a job in Alabama after what had happened. She and her family were threatened and harrassed. Two years after the fateful day on the bus she moved away from family and friends. The negative consequences still following her, and still...she never regretted her decision.

People use words like "hero, lady, and courageous" pretty loosely these days. That's too bad, because there are VERY few people who REALLY qualify. I'm SURE not one of them, but I'm thankful that there have been people who are. Thanks Rosa - You were a true hero, you were truly brave, and truly a lady. I would have loved to have met you, but even though I never did you have influenced my life anyway. My life and countless others. I hope you are reunited with your husband and finally at rest. Rest in peace great lady.

Hi everyone

2005-10-23T17:25:00.000-04:00

Oct 23/2005

Hi everyone in blogland and sorry for the long absence. I've been busy with the usual, kids school stuff, my own school work, housework (although not a LOT of this, lol!) etc., etc., etc. Anyway, I just wanted to drop a line and a link to a blog that I recently read. It deals with racism and stupidity (which pretty much go hand in hand). It notes the movie "Crash" and if you haven't seen this movie yet...RUN don't walk to the nearest video store, rent it, watch it. Its one of the best movie's I've seen in a long time. Not just because it tackles difficult questions that deal with race. But also because it tackles every-day lives. It addresses the fact that there's always a story-behind-the-story. I often remind myself this when someone angers me for whatever reason, they cut me off in traffic, another mom in a PTO meeting makes an offhand cruel remark, I meet someone and for whatever reason...they rub me the wrong way. There's always a story-behind-the-story. Maybe the person in traffic just recieved a bad phone call - someone died. Maybe the alpha-PTO mom left behind a fulfilling career to make a home and hearth, raise the children, and just realized her husband is boffing his 22 year old co-worker. There's always a story, a picture-behind why someone "is" the way they "are". Just something to think about. Have a good week...
tmnd

FRIDGE MAGNETS FOR THE MODERN WOMAN

2005-09-28T21:18:00.000-04:00

These are SO great. A friend sent them to me. I think THIS one is my favorite...lol!

LONG TIME NO SEE...

2005-09-28T09:47:00.000-04:00

9-28-05
Good morning to all of my friends, family, and visitors. It has been about 10 days since my last post due to the usual 24hr chaos filled days + some other developments. Sometimes I wonder if life is just one big tragi-comedy and the creator is some weirded out LA-type movie director who likes to have a good laugh while his gerbils run around their wheels frantically and for no apparent purpose other than for his amusement...but I'm not bitter or anything...;)

Spare me the stories of true human goodness, beauty, and hope right now. Because if I see another Fox hope -filled -creative -hollywood spot...er I mean News segment, I'm pretty sure I'm going to hurl.

Fiction is fun...but now for some reality. This is an Op Ed posted in the Miami Herald. Yes foks its true. And I'm sure there were much worse stories to share-we just haven't heard them. Anyone who has ever been in a crisis situation (and usually for most americans this is the supermarket being out of their favorite brand of Snackwells) will tell you that life is definitely NOT like the movies.

Heroes are usually NOT revealed and in fact what we usually are privy to is the true nature of human beings. Which seems to be usually bordering on evil and depraved if nothing else. Read on...

Crises reveal character

leonard pitts JR.

The women were on the roof of the hotel, calling for help as floodwaters rose. Then a motorboat full of policemen came by.
“Can you help us?” the women cried.
The policemen replied, “Show us what you’ve got!” and motioned for them to lift their T-shirts.
The women said no. The policemen left them there.
I figured that story for an urban legend when one of my students wrote about it in a class I teach. Too crazy to be true, I thought.
But the tale turns out to be an eyewitness account from one Ged Scott, a bus driver from suburban Liverpool, England, who, with his wife and son, was on vacation in New Orleans when that city was swamped by Hurricane Katrina.

Scott’s story has received considerable play in British newspapers. As near as I can tell, it has not been picked up stateside.

Small wonder. Katrina has given us enough homegrown tales of People Behaving Badly without importing new ones.
Meaning the people whose first thought in a time of cataclysm was to smash windows and grab cell phones. And the ones who thought it a good idea to shoot at rescue helicopters. And the ones who used disaster as a cover under which to rob and rape without fear of retribution.
We find ourselves caught in one whopper of a storm season. Indeed, the National Hurricane Center is down to the last four storm names on its list for 2005. And yet, even among all the storms, and even among all the stories they have produced, are producing and will yet produce, this particular tale from Hurricane Katrina stands out.
Show us your breasts, and we’ll get you out of here?
You’ll have to go some distance to find a better illustration of the utter banality of evil.
I’m reminded of a piece of wisdom picked up somewhere along the way: Crises, it said, do not so much build character as reveal it.

Calamity, in other words, has this way of knocking down artifice and pretension, the devices people construct to keep other people from seeing who they really are. In a very real sense, you become yourself when things are disintegrating all around you.
And let’s face it, more than levees broke in New Orleans. Social order broke. Police authority broke. Chain of command broke. Communications broke. All the structures we build to restrain the floodwaters of human behavior broke.
Who would you be if there were no rules? What would you do if there were no accountability? What would you get away with if you could get away with anything?
Some people got away with being martyrs. Some did heroic things. Some became heroes.
But some, if we believe Scott’s account, could think no higher than their crotches.
You have to wonder how that request for a peep show fell on those stranded women. Doubtless hungry, doubtless tired, doubtless bug-bitten and sun-baked, and doubtless scared that they might die here, drowned in fetid water or pierced by bullets.
You have to wonder whether they were stunned, angry, appalled. You have to wonder whether they found it hard to believe what was being asked of them. You even have to wonder whether maybe they considered lifting their shirts, figuring indignity a small price to pay for salvation.
But in the end, they said no.
We don’t know what became of them. Scott’s account ends with the boat motoring on and leaving the women stranded.
It is an image of petty opportunism, yes, but also one of quiet integrity, and it’s that part I choose to take with me as a reminder for when floodwaters recede and structures of artifice are put back in place.
Even in a broken time, some things did not break.

©2005 The Miami Herald
Leonard Pitts Jr. is a columnist for the Miami Herald. To reach him, send e-mail to lpitts@herald.com.

Walking symbol of failure...

2005-09-13T13:29:00.000-04:00

This was noted in a recent article in the NY Times about the 45 people found dead in a hospital after being left for more than four days with nothing but temperatures exceeding 100 degrees in the wake of Katrina.

"Repercussions from the storm continued to echo in Washington, where the director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, Michael D. Brown, a walking symbol to many people here of government failure in the crisis, resigned. Mr. Brown was relieved of his role in the day-to-day disaster operations here on Friday. (Related Article)"

Well that's funny...because I guess I would say that the "walking symbol" of failure would probably be good ole dubbya...but then logic doesn't seem to come into play in our "democracy" anymore...

Mike---YOU ROCK...

2005-09-12T16:47:00.000-04:00

An open letter from Michael Moore to Dubbya - Just wanted to share...Mike...your my hero.

Friday, September 2nd, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush:

Any idea where all our helicopters are? It's Day 5 of Hurricane Katrina and thousands remain stranded in New Orleans and need to be airlifted. Where on earth could you have misplaced all our military choppers? Do you need help finding them? I once lost my car in a Sears parking lot. Man, was that a drag.

Also, any idea where all our national guard soldiers are? We could really use them right now for the type of thing they signed up to do like helping with national disasters. How come they weren't there to begin with?

Last Thursday I was in south Florida and sat outside while the eye of Hurricane Katrina passed over my head. It was only a Category 1 then but it was pretty nasty. Eleven people died and, as of today, there were still homes without power. That night the weatherman said this storm was on its way to New Orleans. That was Thursday! Did anybody tell you? I know you didn't want to interrupt your vacation and I know how you don't like to get bad news. Plus, you had fundraisers to go to and mothers of dead soldiers to ignore and smear. You sure showed her!

I especially like how, the day after the hurricane, instead of flying to Louisiana, you flew to San Diego to party with your business peeps. Don't let people criticize you for this -- after all, the hurricane was over and what the heck could you do, put your finger in the dike?

And don't listen to those who, in the coming days, will reveal how you specifically reduced the Army Corps of Engineers' budget for New Orleans this summer for the third year in a row. You just tell them that even if you hadn't cut the money to fix those levees, there weren't going to be any Army engineers to fix them anyway because you had a much more important construction job for them -- BUILDING DEMOCRACY IN IRAQ!

On Day 3, when you finally left your vacation home, I have to say I was moved by how you had your Air Force One pilot descend from the clouds as you flew over New Orleans so you could catch a quick look of the disaster. Hey, I know you couldn't stop and grab a bullhorn and stand on some rubble and act like a commander in chief. Been there done that.

There will be those who will try to politicize this tragedy and try to use it against you. Just have your people keep pointing that out. Respond to nothing. Even those pesky scientists who predicted this would happen because the water in the Gulf of Mexico is getting hotter and hotter making a storm like this inevitable. Ignore them and all their global warming Chicken Littles. There is nothing unusual about a hurricane that was so wide it would be like having one F-4 tornado that stretched from New York to Cleveland.

No, Mr. Bush, you just stay the course. It's not your fault that 30 percent of New Orleans lives in poverty or that tens of thousands had no transportation to get out of town. C'mon, they're black! I mean, it's not like this happened to Kennebunkport. Can you imagine leaving white people on their roofs for five days? Don't make me laugh! Race has nothing -- NOTHING -- to do with this!

You hang in there, Mr. Bush. Just try to find a few of our Army helicopters and send them there. Pretend the people of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast are near Tikrit.
Yours,
Michael MooreMMFlint@aol.com
www.MichaelMoore.com

P.S. That annoying mother, Cindy Sheehan, is no longer at your ranch. She and dozens of other relatives of the Iraqi War dead are now driving across the country, stopping in many cities along the way. Maybe you can catch up with them before they get to DC on September 21st.
---

A Good Story For a Change...

2005-09-06T09:29:00.000-04:00

Good Morning Everybody

I just wanted to share this story. Its a positive news story in a time that is full with horror and tragedy. Just when I think humans are basically evil...someone restores my faith in mankind...

In New Orleans, human spirit overcomes horror

By Mark Egan 1 hour, 2 minutes ago

NEW ORLEANS (Reuters) - On a devastated street corner in a gritty New Orleans neighborhood an impromptu shrine stands as testament that even during the horror visited upon this city by Hurricane Katrina, kindness is not forgotten.

Made of bricks from a nearby building destroyed by the storm, the improvised structure protects a body that lies covered by a white sheet.
A cross fashioned of two pieces of wood found among nearby debris marks the site as a grave, albeit a temporary one. On the sheet covering the corpse are written the words "Here Lies Vera, God Help Us."

Before locals built this shrine, the woman had lain dead on the street. Her body was bloated and brutally distorted, untouched and ignored for almost a week by authorities who were working slowly to evacuate the thousands left homeless.
Since Katrina and the floods that followed hit New Orleans, the city has been struck by unexpected hardships.

Looting was rampant, refugee camps became the scenes of rapes, murders and robbery. Many lost everything and lacked even food and drinking water.
But as the worst appears to have passed and most of those left stranded have been evacuated, acts of kindness abound.

Dmitri Kachkov, a 35-year-old man who uses a wheelchair due to extreme physical disabilities, knows about hardship -- his family became refugees from Russia in 1997 and moved here.
When Katrina made them refugees again, they expected to sleep in their van. Just before the storm hit, Kachkov and his parents drove north and took refuge in a roadside truck stop.

Then a stranger -- Diana Cantello of Gramercy, Louisiana -- invited them to stay at her home.
"My mother cried at such unexpected hospitality," Kachkov said. They spent nine days and nights at Cantello's home, where a mother and her two children had also been invited to stay.
"Then yesterday it was my mother's 69th birthday and they baked her a cake and bought her small presents. My mother never expected such kindness, especially during this disaster," Kachkov said on Monday after his family returned to Metairie, Louisiana, to see how damaged their rental apartment was.

Near the Kachkov home is Drago's Seafood Restaurant.
Since the storm raged more than a week ago, five employees of the upscale eatery have lived on the premises to protect it from looters who have destroyed businesses across the city.
Then on Monday the restaurant reopened, serving charred chicken on pasta with a Cajun marinara sauce and ice-cold water -- a rare luxury in this city in recent days.
The food was free to anyone who wanted it.
"We have decided that we will serve free food as long as our resources last, probably until we give away $20,000 of free food," said owner Klara Cvitanovich.
Cvitanovich, 66, who came here from Croatia in her youth, was also shipping food out to poor neighborhoods.
"I can honestly say I have lived the American dream, and now I have to give something back," she said.

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Katrina children seeking parents shown on Web site Reuters

Reuters Photo: Daina (L), a New Orleans resident smokes a cigar outside the Johnny

LOOTING? MARSHAL LAW?OOPS! I MEAN RESCUE EFFORTS...

2005-09-02T15:18:00.000-04:00

This is another thing that is just ludicrous. People are "looting" in New Orleans...well hell! I would too! Given the situation - I need to feed and take care of my family including food, water, medical supplies...and we are receiving little or no aid after we were herded into a stadium. People are dying right and left...there is NO running water, food, medicine, there is human feces and dead bodies everywhere I look - possibly one of my own relatives, children, or friends are laying next to me dead and rotting...hmmm....what would you do?

Prayers for New Orleans

2005-09-02T15:00:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone - Sorry it has been a while since I have posted. I have been busy with many issues including job searching, getting the kiddo's back in school, and re-establishing my graduate studies. Plus I haven't been able to jog/run due to a back injury which has been depressing. Otherwise...

I have to mention that we should all be praying, donating, and doing anything we can to aid the people of New Orleans. What a horrific mess. Everyone seems so surprised that something like this can actually happen on "U.S. Soil"...I'm not. Look at our "leadership", look at where our country has been headed. If this is our response to a national disaster on our own soil (one where we cannot "blame" another country or "foreign" people) then what will happen in the future? You say we will learn from our mistakes? Oh really? Well it hasn't even been 30 years since Viet Nam ended...what are we doing again?

Anyway, I'm not going to rant. I just want to say that I am as sickened as everyone by what is happening. I can NOT imagine what they are going through. Put your own family into this situation. It could easily be ANY one of us and may still be. We are not protected anymore just by being "on U.S. soil". Our leadership or whatever it is... is not and will not be here "for the people". If they can't "control" us (i.e. push us back and herd us as we watch our children and family members die due to lack of water and disease running rampant in a disaster situation) what can we expect for the future?

The future is grim...the people existing (they are not "living" by any definition) in New Orleans right now are showing us our future. We don't need a crystal ball - just access to a TV or Computer where we can watch it on a live CNN feed.

More beauty...we NEED it.

2005-08-16T14:30:00.000-04:00

Well after reading the news (again) this morning I am left feeling depressed (again) so I'm sharing more of my favorite pics...have a good day. Peace...b

Beauty in Our World

2005-08-16T05:01:00.000-04:00

Aug 16 ~ 05
I've been thinking today - about some of the sad state of affairs on our planet. People dying in needless wars, the conflict over the Gaza Strip, the genocide in Africa...anyway - you get the grim picture. Anyway...I was cruisin the web and found some beautiful pics...and wanted to share. There is beauty in our world too - even though sometimes we have to look for it.
peace everyone
b

One of my favorite people...and quotes

2005-08-16T04:44:00.000-04:00

Mr Rogers ~ He is one of my favorite people...EVER...along with my grandmother, Martin Luther King Jr., Lucretia Mott & Harriet Tubman...anyway...I digress - as usual...

I LOVE THIS QUOTE and wanted to share...
b

On Labeling People...

2005-08-16T03:55:00.000-04:00

Aug 15 ~ 05
Hey all...just wanted to bring up something that has been bugging me. Its late and I'm tired so I won't rant for too long. I was talking to one of my good friends this evening and she brought something up that I've wondered about before. She mentioned that she hates filling out the school forms for her children because of the "ethnicity" labeling question.

In her family she is descended from predominantly Hispanic relations while her husband is predominantly "white". So what box does she "check" for her children? They are not just "white" nor are they just "hispanic". She mentioned that this kind of irks her and I can see why.

Yes I've heard all of the blah blahing of the bureacrats about "funding sources" "affirmative action" etc., however, I think a lot of it just boils down to the fact that we humans as a species LOVE to label things...especially people. Why is that?
Why must we be able to "fit" everyone into a label that we specify? Does it make us feel more comfortable if we can "categorize" everything in our world...including human beings? I mean think about the labels in our daily lives..."stay-at-home-mom" or "working mom"...I just LOVE the latter one because I have met VERY FEW "non-working" mom's....in fact I don't think I every have...including "career housewives". We are labeled at our jobs, our neighborhoods that we live in are labeled...the "burbs", "hood", "in the sticks" (where my 12 year old thinks we live...lol!). Anyway ~ of course this whole "what label are your children?" got me to thinking...

My grandmother (paternal) is descended from a native american tribe and so is my husbands maternal grandmother. My paternal grandfather is full on Norwegian. I have NO IDEA where my mother's family hailed from although I suspect that there is more than likely more native american and possibly african-american lineage from that side as well...even though I look like the label of "white". What does that make our children...are we just classifying by skin color here or are we ACTUALLY classifying by ethnicity? How can we when some families are SO DIVERSE!

I have another friend who has mentioned the same problem when filling out forms. She comes from a white/asian marriage and her husband hails from an african/white marriage...what does that make their children? Should they "check" all four boxes? What label should be "attached" to their children? Should the parents go ahead and label their children as "ethnic" so the school recieves more money and they recieve a better chance at a scholarship?

This raises some interesting questions ~ especially in light of our rapidly evolving diverse culture in North America. Maybe its time to shed some of the "labels" ~ maybe that's okay. I'm not saying we should all start abandoning our own unique cultural heritage and/or family histories...but maybe its time we stop trying so hard to label everyone. Maybe its just time to take a big collective breath and realize that whether we're "Hispanic", "Black", "Asian", "White", "Native American"...maybe we're just all human beings-living in the same geographical area-ultimately carrying on with our very human, very average, very messy/beautiful lives every day. That's it...we're just humans. Irregardless of how our skin and/or eye color managed to turn out in the genetic crap shoot.

Oh - btw-the family that hails from four different "ethnic labels" - their little boy is a blonde headed/light eyed very "white" looking child. So what should go on his school forms?
Other?
Seriously...
Maybe its time for a change...change is scary...but it is certain. We have come a long way in the past century in letting go of racial, ethnic, and religious stereotyping. Maybe its time we start letting go of the labels too.

Hi everyone! sorry for absence...back problems!

2005-08-16T03:41:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone ~ So sorry for prolonged absence. I've been having some lower back problems...major pain on various levels. Anyway...just checking in. We're gearing up for bts here...kids are NOT happy...but MOM is ready! lol! Hope everyone is well...more later...
b

A Zen Poem

2005-08-03T02:50:00.000-04:00

A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself over the edge.

The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him.

Two mice, one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away the vine. The man then saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other.

How sweet it tasted.

Zen Poem

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BENNER!

2005-07-30T03:02:00.000-04:00

Good Grief ~ I'm REALLY feeling old today. My "baby" brother turned 22 today. Happy Birthday Benner...does anyone still call you that? I was 11 when you were born and Dad almost tore the door off of the camaro backing out of the garage he was so nervous!

Helen was in so much pain and it scared me! When we got to the hospital there were too many laboring women and not enough hospital rooms...so helen and many other women were "parked" in the hallway to labor. I remember that there was one lady who was screaming obscenities akin to the movie "Excorcist" and it scared me.

And the hallway smelled bad. So I crawled under Helen's bed and hid. I remember thinking..."why would ANYONE WANT to go through with something like this?" "This is horrible! This is awful!" (At 11 years old I had only vague notions of what human reproduction entailed ~ and for the most part ~ except for "Magnum PI" ~ I thought boys were gross and annoying. I remember thinking "I will NEVER have children." Ahh yes...humans make plans and god laughs...

Anyway ~ I remember that I hadn't wanted any siblings. I was happy by myself thank you very much, so I was highly offended at your birth debut. I figured that if you had the gall to be born you at least had better be of the female persuasion, because a sister wouldn't be SO bad.

You were a boy (of course). And I was PISSED! But that passed. I remember when you came home and we were all so tired from lack of sleep. But it was a different kind of tired. An exciting kind of tired that possibly only siblings experience when they find each other. I wasn't really responsible for you...but you were my brother. I didn't have to actually raise you. But I got to play with you. I learned how to help change your diapers and how to heat up your formula. I was determined NOT to like you from day one. When I first looked into your eyes and realized that we actually shared genetics it was a powerful emotion. I can't describe it now because my 11 year old self didn't understand the emotions then.

You changed the whole dynamic of our family...but in a good way. You were really my first real "experience" with a baby. I decided that MAYBE someday when I was in my late 30's and done traveling the world, I MIGHT want to have a child. But the first time you smiled at me and responded to my words, you had my heart forever.
As with every thing else fading, dropping, and aging on me my memory has faded. But there are some things I remember from when you were little.

*I called you "benner"
*You liked Peter Rabbit and I would read to you
*I talked to you when you were just a small infant but I could SWEAR by the look on your face that you understood me
*You liked to "ride" around the vacuum when I vacuumed (or for that matter when ANYONE vacuumed) ~ eventually you got too big and the vacuum actually broke
*I used to pick up both of your feet in one hand and hold your butt off the floor while I changed your diaper ~ so I wouldn't get poop or pee anywhere~ and you would giggle (don't you just LOVE my memories...LOL!)
*I would play "walkie man" with you and you would giggle and laugh
*Your 2nd birthday at Chuck E Cheese when it was just you, me, and Helen. I think Dad had to work that night. I remember following you around the restaurant because I was worried you were going to get hurt ~ you were so excited. I still have a picture of you riding on one of the rides. You have pizza on your face and your smiling.
*When you were a baby you liked to growl at people
*Dad used to work the night shift ~ I think (or maybe mids?) anyway ~ we used to go for walks around the neighborhood during the day when you were a baby. Dad and I would take turns pushing the stroller. I felt really important. And I was really proud of you.
*I remember when I was in 9th or 10th grade and you came home crying because some bullies were picking on you and your friend. I was SO ANGRY ~ that someone had hurt you. Of course being the sensible and level-headed adolescent that I was (HA HA HA) I immediately "confronted" the school yard bullies (with my adolescent best friend "cyndie")~ AND made you promise not to say anything to Dad & Helen. They never bothered you again ~ but every time those boys saw me they would "hightail" it in the other direction...lol!
*I remember when I left home (not under the greatest circumstances). Of everything I missed, I missed you and Alex the most. I didn't want you guys to think I was "leaving" you. It was really hard but I tried to act like it wasn't. When I was in basic training and later in technical school I would show a picture of you and alex to everybody. I was afraid that you both were going to forget about me.

Anyway...just some memories I was rehashing earlier. I get nostalgic on birthdays. Other people's birthdays...lol!

I just want you to know that I'm so proud of you ~ and that I'll always be your sister ~ and I'll always be here to stand up for you or just to listen. And you can always come to me...with anything.
kisses and hugs
bran

I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON I SUBSCRIBED TO NEWSWEEK...

2005-07-29T13:08:00.000-04:00

TELL IT LIKE IT IS ANNA...

2005-07-28T15:00:00.000-04:00

THE MOM NEXT DOOR...WITH THE KIDS NEXT DOOR...

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SOME OF MY FAVORITE MOVIE QUOTES

2005-07-28T14:38:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone ~ today I'm taking a break from ranting and recording daily info ~ and sharing some of my favorite movie quotes/scenes, etc; and the site that provides them ~ enjoy

MONTY PYTHONS: THE HOLY GRAIL

The Black Knight: Have at you!

King Arthur: You're indeed brave sir knight, but the fight is mine.

The Black Knight: Oh, had enough, aye?

King Arthur: Look you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.

The Black Knight: Yes I have.

King Arthur:
Look!

The Black Knight: Just a flesh wound!

FROM WILLY WONKA
We must remember there are many more important things, many more important things . . . off hand, I can't think of what they are, but I'm sure there must be something.

WILLY WONKAThe suspense is terrible . . . I hope it'll last.

FROM "THE PRINCESS BRIDE" Westley: Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

FROM "THE PRINCESS BRIDE"Buttercup: We'll never survive. Westley: Nonsense, you're only saying that because no one ever has.

LARRY FLYNT
I think the real obscenity comes from raising out youth to believe that sex is bad and ugly and dirty. And yet, it is heroic to go spill guts and blood in the most ghastly manner in the name of humanity.

With all the taboos attached to sex, it's no wonder we have the problems we have. It's no wonder were angry and violent and genocidal. But, ask yourself the question, what is more obscene: sex or war?

ALEX ISAACMAN
(LAWYER FOR LARRY FLYNT)
I'm not trying to convince you that you should like what Larry Flynt does. I don't like what Larry Flynt does. But, what I do like is that I live in a country where you and I can make that decision for ourselves.

I like that I live in a country where I can pick up Hustler magazine and read it if I want to, or throw it in the garbage can if that's where I think it belongs. Or, better yet, I can exercise my opinion and not buy it.
I like that I have that right.
I care about it.
And, you should care about it too.

2005-07-27T16:37:00.000-04:00

SUMMER FUN AT 4 ISLAND PARK

Kayaking And Canoeing On Rivers, Oceans and Lakes

2005-07-27T01:36:00.000-04:00

Kayaking And Canoeing On Rivers, Oceans and Lakes

2005-07-27T01:32:00.000-04:00

BRAN ~ JUL 05

BACK IN BUSYNESS!

2005-04-18T00:51:00.000-04:00

Well after being infected (our computer) with a VERY bad virus we had to buy a complete new system. Which was bad for our budget but is oh so much nicer - and faster! Of course I've had to re-load all of my software and stuff. I never realized how much of my "life" was on my computer! Its kind of scary. This week was pretty eventful, I was sick most of the week with a weird flu-bug and kat woke up Tuesday morning complaining that her back hurt. Of course being the "sensible & calm" mother that I am I immediately decided it was meningitis. To make matters worse I had to drive in a fever-induced delirium to our pediatrician in bakersfield who calmly informed me that our daughter was suffering from nothing more serious than a strained muscle. Probably from the "mommy&me" gymnastics class we had attended the previous day. DUH. Of course I probably would have thought of this had I not been sick. Luckily, we've had the same pediatrician for 6 years now so she knows what a crack-pot I am...LOL!
In other news on the slicer-front - Haden & Tristan are taking skateboarding & rollerblading lessons (respectively) @ Woodward and Kat and I are TRYING to participate in "mommy & me gymnastics". Of course this usually ends up being me chasing her around the gym saying things like "no..no..don't touch that...oops...be careful!....no...no...OH NO!" lol! By the time we leave I'm wondering who has had the better work-out.
Other than that nothing else really knew. The kids are looking forward to school being over (pool time!) and my next door neighbor and good friend (Veronica) had her 3rd child about 2 weeks ago. Its a baby boy and they named him "nicholas". He's a keeper! Of course now she's struggleing with post-partum depression, breastfeeding issue's, etc., plus the added pressure of being a new mama of 3 children instead of 2. Her oldest is 8 and her m iddle is 4. I told her she'll just have to lower her standards like I have and that from now on her house will look like mine! hee hee...I don't think she was comforted

2005-02-20T00:32:00.000-05:00

Okay, I figured out the editing my bio photo...of course I now have this huge ugly pic of me in my blog...lol! ANYWAY - I love this pic of Kat too, it was taken last month (1/05). She's getting ready to "go down" for her nap...you can tell because she's sucking her thumb which is a dead give away that she's goin out :) so cute. Anyway - her brother's (who she calls HADEN) (both of them) were wearing bandana's as was her daddy (they were cleaning out the garage and for some reason suburban males like to dress up like they are guest appearing on American Chopper when they do this sometimes)...ANYWAY - I digress-of course she had to have a bandanna too...here is the result...to cute.

2005-02-20T00:22:00.000-05:00

2005-02-19T23:56:00.000-05:00

I DIDN'T DO IT...

Sad State of Affairs

2005-02-12T14:29:00.000-05:00

Well I just finished reading a news article about bush's latest antics. I can not believe it. Major budget cuts or even elimination for health care programs, education, law enforcement, education reform, veterans benefits, and homeland security. All so his administration can fund more war-mongering...sorry...guess I just have to vent. Anyway, check out the following link for some humor. I guess in times like this it doesn't hurt to laugh...
http://www.allhatnocattle.net/

Also, you can check out what Jim, Haden, and friends are doing today (snowboarding) at Shirley Meadows...
http://www.shirleymeadows.com

Everything else is pretty much the same in the Slicer household this weekend. We had Haden's sleep-over last night and survived that! The boys had 5 pizza's, 3 order's of breadsticks, various chips and snacks, and a 1/2 sheet of Baskin Robbins Ice Cream Cake (with a picture of Bam Margera on it;) and of course numerous glasses of soda. Then they watched "Out Cold" a hilarious snow boarding movie which we have watched about 84 times now. Jim sounded the "wake-up" call this morning around 5:00 AM and they sounded raring to go! Even though they stayed up until at least midnight! AAAHHHH to be 12 again!

2005-02-05T19:02:00.000-05:00

This is me, Haden, & Tristan snowboarding at Jay Peak in Vermont (I'm really not this fat...I swear-its the 15 layers of clothes I had on because its FREAKING COLD THERE!) Anyway, about snowboarding...if you try to learn in your 30's its a VERY humbling experience. We all had a great time and the kids and Jim are good snowboarder's...however, I'm still learning. But it is fun and a lot of exercise. My muscles hurt for about a week AND I had to fly back to California (non-stop) with a donut pillow behind my neck and taking about 5 extra strength aspirin every hour...but it was worth it *smile*. Our 12 yr old (Haden) indicated "God Mom...you look PATHETIC!" Ah yes...the innocence and sweetness of children - don't worry...I found a way to ground him from his skateboard later *evil laugh*

2005-02-05T18:01:00.000-05:00

Engebretson Family at the OKC Zoo

2005-02-05T16:57:00.000-05:00

This is my and my fam in OKC...from left - kat, moi, alex (my 16 yr old bro...yes our parents spaced us apart quite a bit), my dad, my mom, my other bro (ben 21) and bottom row...tristan and haden. I love this picture because everyone is in it...besides my poor sweetie jim who has to work and doesn't get to go on many trips :(

2005-02-05T16:26:00.000-05:00

Me & our boys...Tristan (age 8) is in front of me and Haden (age 12) is on the right. This was taken in Newport VT visiting Jim's family during Christmas 04...its cold up there! I think we'll stick with southern california! *Smile*

2005-02-05T14:08:00.000-05:00

Princess Kat with the caketoppers from her 2nd birthday party - Spongebob Squarepants & Patrick or as she calls them (spongebobby!)

New to Blogging & Intro

2005-02-05T13:35:00.000-05:00

Well I loved the idea of creating a "family journal" for our children and I got the idea from the hilarious blogger Tinsley so here I am. I'm a 32 year old transplanted okie living with my dear-hubby and 3 kiddo's in Tehachapi, CA (pronounced TAHAACHOPEE). Its a small mountain community about 2 hours north of LA-LA Land (LA). My husband Jim (36) is a transplanted Vermonter and we met while we were both in the Air Force stationed in South Dakota (long story which I may or may not relay later). We have 3 children (2 boys and 1 princess) - Haden (12) - Tristan (8) - and our princess Katherine (2). I am crazy-busy most of the time so I'm not sure yet how I'm going to find time to add another activity...but I'll try. I really like the idea of journaling for future generations. I really wish I had something like this to look back on my younger years as well as my parents, grandparents, etc. Tinsley's story about his grandfather brought tears to my eyes (seriously) as it reminded me so much of my visits to my paternal grandparents in Oklahoma. Well, here I go...