I am not a disease

All - Many of you know that for about the past 5-6 years I have increasingly become more tired, "foggy", and my body has increasingly caused me pain. In late September to early October after being tested for Lupus and many other auto-immunie diseases I was finally diangosed with Fybromalgia.

This was a relief (to finally) know, and at the same time even more depressing because I thought I would have to try to manage this chronic pain, depression, and increasing brain fog (at times so bad I can barely string together a sentence) for the rest of my life.

Then there came a time about 3 weeks ago when I decided that I did not want to go on living in chronic pain. Also, many people do not understand about Fybromalgia or (FM) and I was tired of people being scornful when I was REALLY IN PAIN, FATIGUED, AND CONFUSED. Yes, I was definitely feeling sorry for myself and in a very bad place. It started with feeling like I didn't want to wake up. I started just praying that I would not wake up. Then after I had stayed in bed for 4 days after a really bad "episode" I started making plans. Even now its hard for me to say it. But I work with people in crisis and I knew that if my mind was "making plans for my demise" that I was in trouble.

I called a friend from work and she got me help, fast. I was admitted into the hospital under a suicide watch, I was given medicine, rest, food, and water and for the first time in a long time I got a good nights sleep.

The next day I couldn't believe what I had been thinking about doing the day before, but this just goes to show you that the lack of sleep, combined with chronic pain and fatigue (along with feeling like you've lost 50 IQ points) can put you over the edge. That's when I decided that I was going to do everything I could possibly do to research and fight this disease.

I have been to the pain clinic at Dartmouth and have established some pain management. I still deal with fatigue and brain fog but I have also found a group on facebook that is helping me (there is a link above). I figured that there are support groups for many diseases and problems so there must be one for FM. There is and I've joined it. I don't want to be a victim and I don't want to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I want to fight this auto-immune disease that has tried to take over my body and mind and I want to advocate for myself and others who have the disease.

I'm not going to give up without a fight. I have 4 beautiful children, a husband who loves me, a good career, and friends that love me too. I have also found Maja (a FM advocate in Sweden) and even one of the parents of one of my students who suffers from this disease.

For many years I wondered what was wrong with me. I wondered if I was going crazy. When the pain and fatigue became unbearable I DID think I was crazy. But I'm not, and if you're reading this and have suffered from the same symptoms your not either. Don't let the doctors just tell you that you are just depressed. Yes, you may be depressed but a lot of it is probably because you are suffering from a disease that causes almost constant chronic pain, fatigue, and confusion and you may feel like its not worth going on. But it IS!

Do not give up hope. Periodically I will be posting here about FM and things that have helped me. In the meantime go to the website listed above and also set up an account on Facebook and search for "Maja" or "Fybro". There ARE other people out here that are suffering. People all over the world. Let's get the word out and let's find ways to help each other. Remember...Pain is Universal....So is HOPE!